You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
