Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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