Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I smell stomach acid.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
