and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
