In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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