just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
