My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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