On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
