He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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