I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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