what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
