I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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