I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
