Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
