Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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