so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
