i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
