My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
