I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
