I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
