so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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