i think my tv is drunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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