never play flip cup with pint glasses
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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