Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Help. Why am I so naked?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
