On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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