areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
