I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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