Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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