The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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