Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
