I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
