gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
