I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
