there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
