so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
