i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
