I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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