Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Randomize
