Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
