so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
