I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
