So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
