Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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