Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
