Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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