I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
