I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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