A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
