i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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