i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
