matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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